Sit vis vobiscum

  • band member: hi its nice to meet you
  • me: i wanna have sex with you
  • band member: what?
  • me: did i fucking stutter
  • me: I should go shower now
  • (five minutes later)
  • (another five minutes later)
  • (yet another five minutes later)
  • (more five minute intervals)
  • someone: (goes into the bathroom)
  • me: wow fuck you I was JUST about to go take a shower

when you accidentally step on your pet's foot

  • Dog: IT'S OK I LOVE YOU ANYWAYS YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND COME ON LET'S GO PLAY!!!!!
  • Cat: What the fuck? Do you have any idea what you just did? You stepped on my fucking foot, you moron. I will not accept your apology so easily I'll just leave you for a while and hide and when you come near me I'll hiss at you bitch. Go on a diet you fatass maybe then it won't hurt so goddamn much.